I haven't been blogging this past week, but I have been making lists.
The "Seriously No Longer Necessary" List:
1. Announcement that this is a non-smoking flight. That new law happened in 1998, the year Bill Clinton did not have relations with that woman. Please let's stop talking about it.
2. All 82 NBA games preceding the playoffs.
3. Proxy statements mailed to my home. This shareholder votes no more paper without pictures!
4. Pegged pants, nude pantyhose, urban fannypacks. Epically wrong in every decade attempted.
5. Saying "Let's agree to disagree" when what’s really being said is "I'm going to keep talking until it starts raining inside or I find your TV remote and confiscate it."
6. Juice pouches, SAT tests, front loading washing machines and other very badly designed things that are guaranteed to leak, frustrate or lock in smells.
7. Spam protection in the form of those boxes of letters and numbers that are completely unreadable to anyone who is not a computer.
8. Those coupons at the end of the grocery receipt which don't stand a chance of making it to the Proxy pile for much, much later recycling.
9. Deodorant without antiperspirant. I’ve been around the European block long enough to know it's a two pitted problem.
10. Notifications without solutions. If traffic disruptions have been noted, YES reroute me. If my personal data has been compromised, fix it. If someone has listened to a song on Spotify - unless you have video of them belting it out on hidden camera - shut it.
11. Conversation in the dentist chair and during a pap smear.
12. Aspartame, Acesulfame Potassium, Rebiana aka Stevia aka Truvia and other hardtopronounce things trying to be somebody's sugar. For the love of donuts, keep it real.
13. Selfie tripods … please, please before they become any more of a thing.
"Things Worth Waiting For" List:
1. Teleporting (obviously), pollenless trees, a half way decent cell phone battery, a happy Bon Iver song.
2. A worldwide “Sriracha to Every Table” food movement.
3. A future US President that is neither a Bush or Clinton.
4. Eye contact with the driver before you step into the crosswalk. Safety 1rst friends.
5. A Lip-Sync Battle between Jimmy Fallon, Justin Timberlake, and Emma Stone at your birthday party where you then take the stage and kill it (while televised) followed by water turning into wine for 5,000 of your closest friends.
6. An Intelligent Scale that knows how to subtract for clothes, water weight, and that second handful of peanut M&Ms.
7. Elf 2, LA Confidential 2, Gladiator 2 (for my Mother), Unbroken the movie, any new film featuring Matthew McConaughey with his shirt off, a GIVE BACK of all the cumulative human hours wasted on the bad Adam Sandler films.
8. The lottery to pay for your kid’s college tuition. A Bush or Clinton to pay for your second kid’s college tuition.
9. The unfolding drama in Rio. How exactly will they pull off the 2014 World Cup and 2016 Olympics? Stay tuned – We Will Be Right Back After We Bend Putin’s Ear.
10. Your wife or girlfriend to hit her mid-30s—when her libido catches up with, and probably outburns, your own. (I know ??? This entry courtesy of an “25 Things It's Worth Waiting For” article in Men’s Health. Click away if you must.)
11. Richard Sherman’s 2015 post game interview when the Seattle Seahawks repeat as Superbowl Champions !! (a totally appropriate use of double exclamation points)
12. Kumbaya my Cable Company, kumbaya. Kumbaya this-woman-who-wants-to-know-if-I’m-interested-in-a-new-business-from-home, kumbaya. Kumbaya All You Airlines, kumbaya. Oh Still-Waiting-For, kumbaya.
13. The spontaneous destruction of selfie tripods. Kumbaya.