House Rules

We have our first guests – my inlaws! – coming this Friday.  I am deliriously excited.  Also, I got three emails just yesterday with dates from other visitors.   So it feels like the right time to go through some expectations of house rules here in Luxembourg.

Please don’t ask me which way is North.  It’s only going to be awkward for both of us.  I have no sense of compass.  You may ask if such and such is up or down, or “that way” but I will panic if you throw in an East or West.  Chances are I’ll just say “yes” without having a clue.  This is the most important rule.

In anticipation of your visit, I bought this.  Please comment on it.  I want you to like it. I'm always thinking of practical things my guest might need, like a giant wall QR code.

New piece of art that you will like.

New piece of art that you will like.

I will try to keep one bathroom clean for you.  Also, I have big fluffy white towels that I’m saving just for you.  I also have this cool travel box full of compartments in our guest room.   I’m trying to contain myself so that I don’t fill the compartments with travel sized shampoo and razors.  I don’t want to appear over the top, and make you worry that you can’t use the big shampoo in the shower.  Notice the inclusion of the Luxembourg map for all your North/South questions. 

These compartments are sure to be full by the time you arrive.

These compartments are sure to be full by the time you arrive.

Some food photos lie.  Like this one.  I promise to not make it for you.  I was all excited about the fried onion, but nothing can save you from dry rice and al dente lentils.   Whoever suggested that lentils be cooked al dente was seriously misled.   Lesson learned is that you can’t always trust a pretty picture or marinated feta to cover up for a gravelly mess.

This picture is lying to you.

This picture is lying to you.

I used to be all worried about making too much noise in the apartment.  I’m totally over that now, so use your American volume.  There’s maybe only max 10 other people living in our apartment building, so we pretty much have the run of the joint.  We will have a dance party when you are here (of the hip hop variety – we haven’t gone all Flamenco in the two months we’ve been here), and it may even spill out onto the terrace.  You may think I talk about dance parties a lot, and that’s because we haven’t had one here yet and I really, really want one.

You don’t have to offer to help in the kitchen.  In any other kitchen, maybe.  In this small kitchen, it’s best if you just sit with me and have a glass of wine.  And since we are in Luxembourg, it will be white wine.  You may think you want to try to Luxembourg Pinot, but it’s really not good and I’d rather save you some calories.  I have a system in the kitchen and it doesn’t involve four hands. Unless you want to peel garlic.  That would make me reconsider.

See this white table in the kitchen.  This is where I need you to sit.  (I have a bar stool now.  I wasn't going to make you stand.)

See this white table in the kitchen.  This is where I need you to sit.  (I have a bar stool now.  I wasn't going to make you stand.)

We eat a lot of bread and are obsessed with bakeries.  Please don’t judge us.  We celebrate gluten.

If you were at all interested in running, hiking, or biking, my husband will give you more options than you are prepared to handle. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  And he will definitely tag along. 

I may suggest that you ride the bus without paying.  This is because bus drivers are more annoyed when you try to pay than if you ride free.  Luxembourg is a rich city, so don’t feel bad about it. The bus driver may make more money than you do.

There are some recycling guidelines.  Best just to hand your trash to Brett.  He’ll re-class what you do anyway.  I’m sorry in advance if this makes you feel uncomfortable.  Join the club.

We won’t make you look at all our travel photos.  It’s kind of gross how many places we’ve been to, I realize that.  I guess I kind of expect that you will have already studied them from my blog anyway.  I will also take a lot of pictures when you are here.   You may edit them as I’ve been known to post a few pictures. Unless you’re a guy, and then I’ll think it’s totally weird that you want to have editorial oversight.

I’m a good driver now, so you can feel safe with me in the car.  It took moving to Europe to become a good driver, but I’m seriously killing it on the pavement.  No hit poles.  No hit cars.  And I can drive the narrow streets almost as good as a sedated 007.

Brett may try to pawn a book he’s read off on you.  He’s already trying to lighten our load for our return trip home.  In this vein, it would actually be great if you are a size 13 shoe.   But talk to me privately about this one.

We have wi-fi in the apartment, but it totally sucks.  I know I mention the wi-fi and internet in every other blog post, but it’s my way of processing.  Better that then sending emails using Google Translate that I will regret.  Everything you watch will buffer.  So if I were to film our dance party and post it on YouTube, you won’t be able to see your dancing in all its glory.

If there is a vitamin you need, I’m sure we have it.  We have a mini Costo in our Cave.  Speaking of the Cave, it’s our storage unit in the basement.  Brett will likely want to show you as he likes to reorganize it.  We only send our children down there for time outs when things get really rough.  That’s where you’ll go if you ask me “Are we looking west?”

(Insert picture of Cave if Brett were writing this post.) 

If you feel like I’m picking on my husband, I only do that in print.  I promise you won’t have to watch us bicker like an old married couple.  I really do like him.

Check in time is open, check out time is open.   Unfortunately, we can offer you only a room not a romantic suite but your children can be sent to the futon, the floor in the boys’ room, or the Cave – whichever you choose.  Breakfast/lunch/dinner is included as long as you follow the kitchen rules.  There is no room tax except your participation in a run/hike/bike with my husband and cleaning of the room is included – but there will be a charge if you steal the white fluffy towels.

Can’t wait to have you!